Monday, February 2, 2015

The Ghost

I sat on my meditation pillow
Tall and straight as I breathed
Noticing the voice of the hungry ghost
As it clamered around in my skull cavity
Claiming to be bereft of love
It wanted more more more
As my imagination painted pictures of all sorts of Bachanalia
Consciously avoiding the slouch as I heard the soft breath of my lover in her bed
Calm began to enter my body were sleep had left.
And for a moment there was nothing.




Live love

Monday, October 6, 2014

Thievery Corporation

4K to the IRS

The quest for being debt free is all but closed. 6 more months on my cell contract, then I will be completely unencumbered to any corporation or fiscal agency.

I didn't think this was possible, three years ago, I would have imagined something different.
But in 2013, I imagined and believed in being debt free and making Lumanation a rising contender.

The time is upon me. I accept.
All around me I see people owning their lives in all the social spheres.
My time is quickly approaching. A time where I will exit the corporate bubble for the first time in 24 years.

The chapters if my life will rise and fall according to my own volition, ingenuity, and persistence of vision. I can feel the momentum building in my bones. It's scary like looking down the black diamond diamond ski run. Yet, I want it more than I fear it.


Live love

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Star or Stone Chris Robinson Brotherhood




Star or Stone


Star Or Stone -1

I was 13th at the table when the wine was passed around
Amid an air of suspicion my glance was meet with callous frowns
If I was superstitious I'd be the black cat no one wants hang'n round
Dark whispers in the hallway accusations out of bitter mouths
Strange figures in the doorway a dog barks a drunkard's laugh
There's screaming in the kitchen glass breaks just then the lights go out
Let winter chase butterflies
Let the child believe in lies
Let the road run by my door
I can't stay here anymore
I won't , I won't look back at my dream burning on the side of the road
Sometimes it just goes like that
Falling or flying , star or stone




Star Or Stone - 2

Close the window just can't hear the highway anymore
Lay beside me and let our fires burn until the dawn

A telephone was ringing a heavy price on the other line
Outside the window a comet shoots across the sky
Between love and hope and money
There's loss and pain and honey
So take a spoonful every time
And if you don't like what you see
Don't come running to me
Cause i'm bound to my own way
I'm a million miles away
I won't i won't look back at my dream burning on the side of the road
Sometimes it just goes like that
Falling or flying , star or stone



Live love

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Moon phases

August rolled in with a celebration like no other.
The 30th annual reggae on the river festival.
This year was special for all the usual reasons... great music, enchanting scenery...
Amidst all the chaos that goes with trying to run a pro level a video crew in the remote woods, there appeared the coolest of cool chicks ever. Part vision of loveliness, part stalwart outdoors person, and the remainder brilliant mischievous girl.

My instincts noticed right away that she was someone special, but it took my brain a while to actually reason it out and see her depth and the quality of her character. Qualities that informed her sex appeal and demeanor.

At this point, there are various other inspiring women weaving in and out of my life, but she "Erotica" opened up to me with a playful adventurousness that lead us to dance the night away under the moon by the Eel river

At the time I was being very careful to keep away from entanglements, relationships and women that might lead to old patterns.

The underlying need to couple with someone in order validate myself, basically dissolved. Not even a hint of clingy or smitten puppy vibes, anywhere to be found in my emotional body.

Somewhere along the way the wide sky just opened up and freedom awakened. I soon found myself enjoying the company of more than one person and not regretting it or feeling anxious.

This may seem off but, I like

Chris Robinson Brotherhood

Live love

Friday, August 8, 2014

Queen of Eden

The queen of eden

Desire's child with a chocolate grin
Seaglass eyes sparkle and fire
Her soul roars forth



Live love

Monday, July 28, 2014

BossyBoots

One crisp spring eve
At Ernie's roadhouse bar
He wore confident flip flops
She sparkled mischievously

As the beers were quaffed
Laughter cracked like peanuts
Flirtatious hints of kisses
As the sun turned golden

Bold hints at the bar
Parking lot passions
Under a bay leaf tree
Ass pressed into her car

The scent of desire
On her breathless lips
As his fearless hands
ignite her fire

An infinite moment
Time a canvas stretched
Tautly for the painter
Thick paint swirls wildly



Live love

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Werdz

The heart knows no limits
True love never dies
Though this body may pass
Energy release into the skies

Though winds of change may blow
And velvet vulva rivers run dry
The heart beats on
My mind simply knows

Felt in the body
And born of greater muses
The song of your soul
To die refuses.

Unbidden yet welcome
Your vibrations come again
Like a song the body remembers
When the mind is still

Celebrate the pain
Enjoy the flow
Time passes quickly
So she had to go


Live love

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tropical Weather

Waking up to a cloudy sky with beautiful rays of light streaming through. There's this achy discontent. The broken up sky is a reflection of my inner life. For a time the light shines through and then a cloud will cover. I'm grateful for the freedom to experience this time. The freedom to reach for the horizon unbound by marriage. Driven solely by that which lives in me that wants to be born into the world.
But first something has to die. Part of me still wants to filter desire as it flows, part of me still looks to see if the desire needs to be reshaped to fit the square hole of someone else's expectation. That filterer, that which seeks to conform desire, but just chokes it on the alter of conformity, must die.

In essence, I have to die and be reformed. This presents a kind of grief. But behind the grief is new growth. Dynamism and fullness are waiting for me to seize the moment, to unleash them from their bonds.

The wall between the conditions is a calcification of years of fear and conformity. The filter has taken on a life of its own and is feeding off of me. Long gone are it's justifications for safety or emotional well-being... all the pillars of safety and shields have been torn asunder but yet the filter of fear remains.

I imagine that I must attend a party of frothy fearlessness of walking on hot coals or tattooing and explorations of wild abandon like burning man.

My soul is malnourished, steady diet of fear his wrought weakness and calcification.

Stop crying and let go, it's not like you're going to survive!


Live love

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Quiet time

I find myself occupied with "doing", most of it compulsive avoidance.
But usually Sunday morning stillness leaves enough room for there to be a quiet that comes up on me when I'm not looking.

Then, I'm face to face with myself...

Suddenly I'm feeling again, emotions that were locked down sneak into the play area like so many puppies who've been cooped up.
Next thing I know, chaos and lack of control reign. I'm forced to surrender.
Emotional release is so liberating, yet I still fight tooth and nail to protect, and shield.
Why!?!?
This is much more flowing and alive in this unblocked space.

How do I stay in it... ?
Whoops..... bam !!!! clutching at flow is the quick way to close it down.

So many incredible open pathways and lessons still resonating from
my good friend Sandra Lee... Silent Sandra... The painter, writer, dancer, emissary of Fairies.
I'd love to be in the flow with such clarity and ease as SL...
It always seems harder on approach... But once you jump...it's like the whole universe aligns... She lives in flow state... I wanted to be close, maybe I could absorb the courage through osmosis... But no, the only way to truly learn to be that open was to be told "let go". I needed to be reminded that non attachment is the only ticket to the flow train.

It's months later and I still suck at it . It's worth noting good ol SL says it was a 14 year journey to the place she's in now.

Letting go ....
Of all of it...
Not even the least little bit

But the feeling still rises like that sliver of a new moon... The light returns...

For a time I can feel... free
Maybe just a little longer this time...
If it takes 13 more years it will have been worth it... But I might be dead by then...


Live love

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Sadness and relief

Two things took on clarity this week. My financial aspects of my divorce are done, papers signed, clarity is here. In addition, things have settled into a system at work, all the products got moved to remote warehouses, and I have a new processing center at a beautiful location in The Presidio.

All in all, I'm in good shape. But inside there are lingering feelings that need to come to ground. I admire people who are so present in their self awareness and act without hesitation, to move toward their desire or set boundaries.

I have to go through a momentary reflection about it, before I can state my desire so clearly and own it.

This is important as I set out into the world free to choose. Work, leisure, and romance are all about to flow out of the causes I put forth in the universe.

So the next steps become about trusting my desire, letting it take it's proper place in a balanced life.
I tend to get stuck about owning what I want. Fear of judgement, rejection, and abandonment, seep into the process.

I want to learn to trust myself at this level but it's weird, because I tend to be hedonistic, so I'm capable of wanting things that seem out of bounds to people. The work for me is letting go of that fear of judgement.

Self acceptance and healthy independence from trying to manage people's expectations.

This is actually the fun part...

The other parts are feeling loss over my ex, sadness and some loneliness. Feeling some sense of drift on life's purpose. Fear about digging out the deep pieces inside me that need sunlight and healing.

I choose to be vulnerable and cracked open! This is fraught with tension, but provides the path...
For authenticity flows from self knowledge and self trust.

I'm a good man I think I'm up to it.




Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Divorce papers

So much like many things in life, a chapter is closing. The embers of a long 23 year love affair, are barely glowing under the pile of ashes. The smallest hint of warmth still glowing from the surrounding rocks and the earthen base on which the fire was built.

Here I enter into this new contract this dissolution. Funny how at the beginning, the paperwork reflects the deep desires of the heart, but here and now the paperwork cannot reflect what is still living in the heart. Strangely, love does not die in this man. Although the life is not what it was, there are no remnants of passion's hot desire, no unseen pull of my lovers heart from across the globe calling me home. There is the Safehaven which I constructed for her that will always remain. A human place where no sin and no anger no judgment or condemnation can push her from my heart. A spot where compassion lives on. A place where a selfless joy and hope always will remain. Here in this heart, not far from the spot where my high school sweetheart also has an eternal shrine, there is a sacred inviolable space.

Yearly holidays will come and she will be remembered fondly. Quiet prayers for her health safety and well-being will be spoken. Memories of past places we visited, erotic escapades that raised the roof, and the quiet sanctuaries, where two hearts found solace in each other.

But in the now and forever after, the happily ever after of this life, freedom will remain. Two signatures will close the deal on the legal ramifications, but pen ink can never blot out the history born of blood and the passionate fury of true love.

A legal entity will fade away like a ghost in the machine, but two human hearts will remain indelibly marked. Much the better for having found each other in this time in this world.

And so begins the letting go....

http://youtu.be/thdSORQn0eY

So Begins the Task
Stephen Stills and Manasas


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Fearlessly

In my world of spirit heart
Trust is stronger than lust.

As I reveal myself to you there is no barrier to truth.

A man with a human heart
Flawed though it may be.

Fearlessly....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, June 13, 2014

Kiss me if you dare




It's late, the marsh is mostly silent in the moon glow. Bits of bird songs trickle through the cool night air.
My camera is useless it is so dark, but my eyes can see every detail in the moonlight.

Bahia you soothe my insides. Calm, wonder, as I marvel at the night sky. Smaller and smaller I become, as I contemplate the vastness of the stars.

Until eventually, I'm dizzy with oneness... Spinning on the interconnectedness wheel around the sun. Temporarily sitting at station Luna. Gawking at the bright glowing orb of feminine mystery beaming love from the heavens.

All around me an exquisite symphony of silence. Alone here, even the comic book in my brain is willing to shut off in reverence to this moment.

Spinning slowly in the night, a heart full of gratitude and a soul full of love.

Kiss me.... If you dare...
But say nothing to wake the night.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Flower of Love








Sweet, I blame you not, for mine the fault was, had I not been made of common
clay
I had climbed the higher heights unclimbed yet, seen the fuller air, the
larger day.

From the wildness of my wasted passion I had struck a better, clearer song,
Lit some lighter light of freer freedom, battled with some Hydra-headed wrong.

Had my lips been smitten into music by the kisses that but made them bleed,
You had walked with Bice and the angels on that verdant and enamelled meed.

I had trod the road which Dante treading saw the suns of seven circles shine,
Ay! perchance had seen the heavens opening, as they opened to the Florentine.

And the mighty nations would have crowned me, who am crownless now and without
name,
And some orient dawn had found me kneeling on the threshold of the House of
Fame.

I had sat within that marble circle where the oldest bard is as the young,
And the pipe is ever dropping honey, and the lyre's strings are ever strung.

Keats had lifted up his hymeneal curls from out the poppy-seeded wine,
With ambrosial mouth had kissed my forehead, clasped the hand of noble love in
mine.

And at springtide, when the apple-blossoms brush the burnished bosom of the
dove,
Two young lovers lying in an orchard would have read the story of our love;

Would have read the legend of my passion, known the bitter secret of my heart,
Kissed as we have kissed, but never parted as we two are fated now to part.

For the crimson flower of our life is eaten by the cankerworm of truth,
And no hand can gather up the fallen withered petals of the rose of youth.

Yet I am not sorry that I loved you -ah! what else had I a boy to do? -
For the hungry teeth of time devour, and the silent-footed years pursue.

Rudderless, we drift athwart a tempest, and when once the storm of youth is
past,
Without lyre, without lute or chorus, Death the silent pilot comes at last.

And within the grave there is no pleasure, for the blindworm battens on the
root,
And Desire shudders into ashes, and the tree of Passion bears no fruit.

Ah! what else had I to do but love you? God's own mother was less dear to me,
And less dear the Cytheraean rising like an argent lily from the sea.

I have made my choice, have lived my poems, and, though youth is gone in
wasted days,
I have found the lover's crown of myrtle better than the poet's crown of bays.
Oscar Wilde

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Settling down inside




My awareness is gradually shifting from a kind of fight or flight panic about sex and relationships, and where my next hit of affection is coming from.

Now there is a calming sense of establishing a routine of self care, coupled with the idea that I can redefine myself overall.

The first stage of that is really examining my priorities, desires, and talents. Then from that inventory, shaping a path for the next phase of my life.

Does a full inventory and examination of purpose take long?
What will be the employment landscape?
Does music really mean as much to me now as it has in the past?
I haven't written any new songs in a long time, what's that about?

Ah.... One breath at a time...
Love myself first...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Renewal













At the point on my walk I began to understand the core of this struggle. It started with an internal question," who's gonna want me ( value ) me?"

The endorphins chimed in, who the fuck cares as long as you value yourself! Simple, it was as if a cloud opened and revealed the sun.

So begins this journey at 51. The path before me, the forks I take, I owe those choices to no one. I walk alone, and I go where the scent of adventure takes me.

I have a feeling there are going to be others out there on this trail... Maybe they know some good jokes. I'm gonna learn a few and have some fun!

Cooking classes sound strangely fun.
😎



Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, May 30, 2014

Killing the beast




So there's this ravenous beast. Just consuming massive amounts of interaction with any, people it can find, any social media any kind of attention the beast can get. All to avoid having to face one simple truth. The truth that is found in the stillness of personal reflection. The truth of being able to recognize one's own Duality divinity and fecundity. In the strange context of the ego actually breaking up starting to crack, and the whole concept of separation and identity becoming irrelevant.

Then shit gets real interesting when you double down on the next concept. Amidst this partial awakening or dissolving of separation, I found this understanding of my history. Literally a lifetime of trying to maneuver and position myself so I would receive the kinds of affection and accolades and strokes that I felt I needed or what I felt I'd been denied somehow.
The point is during all that time I was really kind of this amorphous personality that would shift and adjust in order to fit into what I thought the best possible strategic place was to receive safety and security. Imagine waking up to the fact that you been pretending for 50 years of your life. Well, not really pretending but on some level at least rearranging your make up.

So as I begin to unpack all this stuff, I realize the masks I've been wearing all of this time. But, now I have this incredible opportunity to stop! With this powerful awareness I now have the ability to quit doing it.

The thing is, right now every time I take the mask off the beast he just runs around looking for another place to camouflage himself. Then to complicate matters, my awareness rips the mask off the camouflage every five seconds and the beast runs around some more!

I'm being told by all of my sage friends and paid wiseacres, that in some ways now I have the opportunity to get to know the beast the chance to teach him to do yoga and swim and eat right, Even just sit quietly at peace by myself.

Right now it's kind of hard.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Silent Stars

It's no revelation
But Standing quietly
In the windy silence
Shrinking under starlight
Made me so insignificant
I felt free



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, May 22, 2014