Tropical Weather

Waking up to a cloudy sky with beautiful rays of light streaming through. There's this achy discontent. The broken up sky is a reflection of my inner life. For a time the light shines through and then a cloud will cover. I'm grateful for the freedom to experience this time. The freedom to reach for the horizon unbound by marriage. Driven solely by that which lives in me that wants to be born into the world.
But first something has to die. Part of me still wants to filter desire as it flows, part of me still looks to see if the desire needs to be reshaped to fit the square hole of someone else's expectation. That filterer, that which seeks to conform desire, but just chokes it on the alter of conformity, must die.

In essence, I have to die and be reformed. This presents a kind of grief. But behind the grief is new growth. Dynamism and fullness are waiting for me to seize the moment, to unleash them from their bonds.

The wall between the conditions is a calcification of years of fear and conformity. The filter has taken on a life of its own and is feeding off of me. Long gone are it's justifications for safety or emotional well-being... all the pillars of safety and shields have been torn asunder but yet the filter of fear remains.

I imagine that I must attend a party of frothy fearlessness of walking on hot coals or tattooing and explorations of wild abandon like burning man.

My soul is malnourished, steady diet of fear his wrought weakness and calcification.

Stop crying and let go, it's not like you're going to survive!


Live love