BossyBoots

One crisp spring eve
At Ernie's roadhouse bar
He wore confident flip flops
She sparkled mischievously

As the beers were quaffed
Laughter cracked like peanuts
Flirtatious hints of kisses
As the sun turned golden

Bold hints at the bar
Parking lot passions
Under a bay leaf tree
Ass pressed into her car

The scent of desire
On her breathless lips
As his fearless hands
ignite her fire

An infinite moment
Time a canvas stretched
Tautly for the painter
Thick paint swirls wildly



Live love

Werdz

The heart knows no limits
True love never dies
Though this body may pass
Energy release into the skies

Though winds of change may blow
And velvet vulva rivers run dry
The heart beats on
My mind simply knows

Felt in the body
And born of greater muses
The song of your soul
To die refuses.

Unbidden yet welcome
Your vibrations come again
Like a song the body remembers
When the mind is still

Celebrate the pain
Enjoy the flow
Time passes quickly
So she had to go


Live love

Tropical Weather

Waking up to a cloudy sky with beautiful rays of light streaming through. There's this achy discontent. The broken up sky is a reflection of my inner life. For a time the light shines through and then a cloud will cover. I'm grateful for the freedom to experience this time. The freedom to reach for the horizon unbound by marriage. Driven solely by that which lives in me that wants to be born into the world.
But first something has to die. Part of me still wants to filter desire as it flows, part of me still looks to see if the desire needs to be reshaped to fit the square hole of someone else's expectation. That filterer, that which seeks to conform desire, but just chokes it on the alter of conformity, must die.

In essence, I have to die and be reformed. This presents a kind of grief. But behind the grief is new growth. Dynamism and fullness are waiting for me to seize the moment, to unleash them from their bonds.

The wall between the conditions is a calcification of years of fear and conformity. The filter has taken on a life of its own and is feeding off of me. Long gone are it's justifications for safety or emotional well-being... all the pillars of safety and shields have been torn asunder but yet the filter of fear remains.

I imagine that I must attend a party of frothy fearlessness of walking on hot coals or tattooing and explorations of wild abandon like burning man.

My soul is malnourished, steady diet of fear his wrought weakness and calcification.

Stop crying and let go, it's not like you're going to survive!


Live love

Quiet time

I find myself occupied with "doing", most of it compulsive avoidance.
But usually Sunday morning stillness leaves enough room for there to be a quiet that comes up on me when I'm not looking.

Then, I'm face to face with myself...

Suddenly I'm feeling again, emotions that were locked down sneak into the play area like so many puppies who've been cooped up.
Next thing I know, chaos and lack of control reign. I'm forced to surrender.
Emotional release is so liberating, yet I still fight tooth and nail to protect, and shield.
Why!?!?
This is much more flowing and alive in this unblocked space.

How do I stay in it... ?
Whoops..... bam !!!! clutching at flow is the quick way to close it down.

So many incredible open pathways and lessons still resonating from
my good friend Sandra Lee... Silent Sandra... The painter, writer, dancer, emissary of Fairies.
I'd love to be in the flow with such clarity and ease as SL...
It always seems harder on approach... But once you jump...it's like the whole universe aligns... She lives in flow state... I wanted to be close, maybe I could absorb the courage through osmosis... But no, the only way to truly learn to be that open was to be told "let go". I needed to be reminded that non attachment is the only ticket to the flow train.

It's months later and I still suck at it . It's worth noting good ol SL says it was a 14 year journey to the place she's in now.

Letting go ....
Of all of it...
Not even the least little bit

But the feeling still rises like that sliver of a new moon... The light returns...

For a time I can feel... free
Maybe just a little longer this time...
If it takes 13 more years it will have been worth it... But I might be dead by then...


Live love

Sadness and relief

Two things took on clarity this week. My financial aspects of my divorce are done, papers signed, clarity is here. In addition, things have settled into a system at work, all the products got moved to remote warehouses, and I have a new processing center at a beautiful location in The Presidio.

All in all, I'm in good shape. But inside there are lingering feelings that need to come to ground. I admire people who are so present in their self awareness and act without hesitation, to move toward their desire or set boundaries.

I have to go through a momentary reflection about it, before I can state my desire so clearly and own it.

This is important as I set out into the world free to choose. Work, leisure, and romance are all about to flow out of the causes I put forth in the universe.

So the next steps become about trusting my desire, letting it take it's proper place in a balanced life.
I tend to get stuck about owning what I want. Fear of judgement, rejection, and abandonment, seep into the process.

I want to learn to trust myself at this level but it's weird, because I tend to be hedonistic, so I'm capable of wanting things that seem out of bounds to people. The work for me is letting go of that fear of judgement.

Self acceptance and healthy independence from trying to manage people's expectations.

This is actually the fun part...

The other parts are feeling loss over my ex, sadness and some loneliness. Feeling some sense of drift on life's purpose. Fear about digging out the deep pieces inside me that need sunlight and healing.

I choose to be vulnerable and cracked open! This is fraught with tension, but provides the path...
For authenticity flows from self knowledge and self trust.

I'm a good man I think I'm up to it.

Divorce papers

So much like many things in life, a chapter is closing. The embers of a long 23 year love affair, are barely glowing under the pile of ashes. The smallest hint of warmth still glowing from the surrounding rocks and the earthen base on which the fire was built.

Here I enter into this new contract this dissolution. Funny how at the beginning, the paperwork reflects the deep desires of the heart, but here and now the paperwork cannot reflect what is still living in the heart. Strangely, love does not die in this man. Although the life is not what it was, there are no remnants of passion's hot desire, no unseen pull of my lovers heart from across the globe calling me home. There is the Safehaven which I constructed for her that will always remain. A human place where no sin and no anger no judgment or condemnation can push her from my heart. A spot where compassion lives on. A place where a selfless joy and hope always will remain. Here in this heart, not far from the spot where my high school sweetheart also has an eternal shrine, there is a sacred inviolable space.

Yearly holidays will come and she will be remembered fondly. Quiet prayers for her health safety and well-being will be spoken. Memories of past places we visited, erotic escapades that raised the roof, and the quiet sanctuaries, where two hearts found solace in each other.

But in the now and forever after, the happily ever after of this life, freedom will remain. Two signatures will close the deal on the legal ramifications, but pen ink can never blot out the history born of blood and the passionate fury of true love.

A legal entity will fade away like a ghost in the machine, but two human hearts will remain indelibly marked. Much the better for having found each other in this time in this world.

And so begins the letting go....

http://youtu.be/thdSORQn0eY

So Begins the Task
Stephen Stills and Manasas


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