Killing the beast

So there's this ravenous beast. Just consuming massive amounts of interaction with any, people it can find, any social media any kind of attention the beast can get. All to avoid having to face one simple truth. The truth that is found in the stillness of personal reflection. The truth of being able to recognize one's own Duality divinity and fecundity. In the strange context of the ego actually breaking up starting to crack, and the whole concept of separation and identity becoming irrelevant.

Then shit gets real interesting when you double down on the next concept. Amidst this partial awakening or dissolving of separation, I found this understanding of my history. Literally a lifetime of trying to maneuver and position myself so I would receive the kinds of affection and accolades and strokes that I felt I needed or what I felt I'd been denied somehow.
The point is during all that time I was really kind of this amorphous personality that would shift and adjust in order to fit into what I thought the best possible strategic place was to receive safety and security. Imagine waking up to the fact that you been pretending for 50 years of your life. Well, not really pretending but on some level at least rearranging your make up.

So as I begin to unpack all this stuff, I realize the masks I've been wearing all of this time. But, now I have this incredible opportunity to stop! With this powerful awareness I now have the ability to quit doing it.

The thing is, right now every time I take the mask off the beast he just runs around looking for another place to camouflage himself. Then to complicate matters, my awareness rips the mask off the camouflage every five seconds and the beast runs around some more!

I'm being told by all of my sage friends and paid wiseacres, that in some ways now I have the opportunity to get to know the beast the chance to teach him to do yoga and swim and eat right, Even just sit quietly at peace by myself.

Right now it's kind of hard.


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Stand your ground

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Silent Stars

It's no revelation
But Standing quietly
In the windy silence
Shrinking under starlight
Made me so insignificant
I felt free



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No Facebook

So I tossed the Facebook app off my phone yesterday. I've made it 21 hours without looking at Facebook as of this posting.
My goal will be to leave it alone completely... Starting with this weekend...

My sense of doing this is to reconnect with the part of me that doesn't need affirmation ego gratification and the narcissistic pump that we get from it.



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101 to Karma Town

Sometimes you just can't quiet the muse. You just have to let her sing. Especially if she's riding the full moon at 3 am


On the mystery train of time there is no turning back
The 101 to Karma town runs forward on the track

Pay the fare in attention to punch the ticket well
In each breath forever lives pull the whistle ring the bell

When Faeries dance and drunken frogs do sing
Drink deep the laughter tis better for remembering

Don't clutch too tight or curse the brakes in station
For the 101 to karma town may never reach a destination.




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Adya

Learning a lot about attachment and letting go. Facing my own illusions, and accepting what people actually want as opposed to my expectations about them. #gratitude #growth #truelove


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Reflections in the rear view mirror

Grasping is never pretty, and for someone who's ego likes to claim higher ground, It was hard for me to face the cold hard truth of my own reticence and un enlightened state.

Finally, as the jaws of life were used to pry me back a bit, and rectify the situation. I got to see myself even clearer. An uncomfortable gift, but well worth unwrapping.

Awareness leads to compassion, so out into the day I go, a little freer than in days past. A little more fearless, but still wary of that tricky coyote that runs around loose in my skull.

I forgive that mangy dog, and that's a start.
Where to now...?
Strangely today it's church.




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Haunted Dreams

A zephyr child's fingers dance
Across the canvas of my heart
Painting in shades of whimsy

Swirling colors ebb and flow
Leaving traces of her intent
Swoop and glide so freely

Strokes of joy and circumstance
Alive within the moment
Glowing hot and fiery

Burning through to deeper veins
In the cadence of a heartbeat
Visions pulsing and dreamy

Unbidden desires advance
Rising from erotic firmament
Refusing lo to free me

Sleep comes and goes by chance
While echoes of her passions haunt
This dreamers heart completely

Pain and pleasure's trance
Colors over black of night
Torment the sleepless brightly

While morning mists do prance
Upon a heart so light
The painter's hold is mighty

Letting go.... no chance
Zephyr marks another heart
Timeless and indelibly










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Big Mama Grief

Grieving Death,
I managed to hold it at bay since August. My mom died back then and I'd had some moments where I shed a few tears, but they never seemed to be as full of the real tragic hurt befitting the loss of my mom. Yet, today I let go, huge cascading wails of grief poured out of me.

Mother's day seems to have been a piece of the trigger, but I think it's more that I've been dropping my shields and armor and letting my feelings come.

In one respect there just isn't anymore room, inside my emotional body.

I'm truly grateful for the release, as I've been holding on to everything too tightly and it shows in all my interactions.

Praise the divine feminine, for while I've been dealing with feelings of loss and abandonment, there seems to be an abundance of generous women who've shared their warmth and generous healing natures with me, right when needed.

Miraculous energies and angels of grace have given me so much in the past 12 weeks !

For my part I think I've finally surrendered to the healing process and with a little push from one particular Faerie loving dynamo, I'm seeing things for the first time.

I hope to be there for her if she ever has her time of need. All of the angels have earned my undying gratitude.

I hope to repay the big U when it's my turn to stand in the breach... I've certainly been granted enormous grace recently!
❤💛💚

Celebrate Everything Until Further Notice!


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Hermann Hesse on trees

For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche. In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfil themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. Nothing is holier, nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree. When a tree is cut down and reveals its naked death-wound to the sun, one can read its whole history in the luminous, inscribed disk of its trunk: in the rings of its years, its scars, all the struggle, all the suffering, all the sickness, all the happiness and prosperity stand truly written, the narrow years and the luxurious years, the attacks withstood, the storms endured. And every young farmboy knows that the hardest and noblest wood has the narrowest rings, that high on the mountains and in continuing danger the most indestructible, the strongest, the ideal trees grow.

Trees are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to listen to them, can learn the truth. They do not preach learning and precepts, they preach, undeterred by particulars, the ancient law of life.

A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail.

A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. I trust that God is in me. I trust that my labor is holy. Out of this trust I live.

When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. Let God speak within you, and your thoughts will grow silent. You are anxious because your path leads away from mother and home. But every step and every day lead you back again to the mother. Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.

A longing to wander tears my heart when I hear trees rustling in the wind at evening. If one listens to them silently for a long time, this longing reveals its kernel, its meaning. It is not so much a matter of escaping from one's suffering, though it may seem to be so. It is a longing for home, for a memory of the mother, for new metaphors for life. It leads home. Every path leads homeward, every step is birth, every step is death, every grave is mother.

So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.

Tender Surrenders

Delicious pain of desire
Unquenched yet fuller still

Pleasure's coin turned over
bends and beguiles my will

Her touch, taste, her tender surrenders
My body aches as it remembers

murder this lust with my sword of flesh
Oh sweet pain must have its revenges

Oh to lay again in her reposes
As fires catch in summers tinder brush


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Make the most of my life

Sad news today...

A friend revealed that someone 2 years younger than I, and in great shape, basically just dropped dead.

She sent me a text, extolling the importance if living now.

I've been well aware if this for years, as in the early part if 2000, I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis. The disease went into remission, but I was left with a powerful sense of needing to make my time count!

But up to now that played out in the form if being a good partner in a marriage. But that relationship ended, and so I find myself working in repurposing my approach to life.

Music specifically political folk music and Reggae dance music, are in the forefront of my heart.

This brings up a lot of fear and trepidation about the risks involved, but I find myself feeling cavalier about consequences.

I just want to go out and play ... Damn the torpedoes ... Share my love of music and add to the world through that medium.

There are myriad choices before me... I know my heart, but do I have the courage to live it?










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Location:Burbank Airport,Burbank,United States

New Life

The days flow by and I'm farther and farther from the false sense of security I had in my former marriage.

There is this odd feeling of regret as I realize that I really didn't ever live alone before being married. I didn't really develop a lifestyle, or style beyond the most basic bohemian aspirations that marked my 20s.

I've started to question things, deep things like life's purpose, and what I identify with as "who I am". Star Wars toy archives, married man, musician... They all seem to point at some aspect of me, but don't really speak to my character or deeper places.

I'm noticing some fear around all this, noticing I don't really have a home, just a room in a house I share.

I find myself longing for a place to live that's all my own, where I can hang art and listen to music, grow a garden, write songs...

Unfold into a broader definition of being, one that actually has a flavor, a vibe. I want to have a space where a woman can come and be immersed in my world.

I'd like her to be able to feel something that she can take with her, that she'll long to return to when she desires a little different space than her own...

Being an individual energy, a place where my particular flavor of sanctuary can take form and hold me inside it....

Whoever I am....


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Letting Go

Seems like I'm being striped of some things against my will.

Then there are old stories I'm trying to neutralize.

Then there is this curious letting go of expectations or attachments which might be forming around new gifts and emerging relationships. Imagine, finding a magnificent piece of red sea glass on a beach... Our first instinct is to want to posses it, take it home with us, a reminder of the day, the place...

What happens when you find one that is so magnificent, exquisite and smooth, that you decide not to look for anymore?

When the next day you don't even want to look for more, because you just want to watch the sun shine on the one you found yesterday ...

Does the seeker ever find and stop seeking?... Is the desire the important part of seeking?... Is that where we come alive, or perhaps is it in the deep satisfaction of finding...?

Depends on the tides...
















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Equanimity

Turning wheel
Rolling free
Soul ignited
Let it be
Heart on fire
Feet in the sea
Tide is out
To infinity
Flickering flames
Whisper to me
Gathering dry wood
Bird flys free
Coals glowing heat
Wait and see
Smoke signals from shore
There's no guarantee
Toes covered in sand
Rest in equanimity



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I need a place to think outloud

There is an inordinate amount of change taking place in my life these days.
One of the discoveries emerging is my need to render some introspection and then open up new pathways toward a purposeful life. I get to reshape my life functionally in its outward expression, but more importantly, from the inside.

Reflections on one man's "insides" would be a apt description of what I would like to write about.

Courage vulnerability and reflections on the way forward to
Personal Renewal.




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