Sadness and relief

Two things took on clarity this week. My financial aspects of my divorce are done, papers signed, clarity is here. In addition, things have settled into a system at work, all the products got moved to remote warehouses, and I have a new processing center at a beautiful location in The Presidio.

All in all, I'm in good shape. But inside there are lingering feelings that need to come to ground. I admire people who are so present in their self awareness and act without hesitation, to move toward their desire or set boundaries.

I have to go through a momentary reflection about it, before I can state my desire so clearly and own it.

This is important as I set out into the world free to choose. Work, leisure, and romance are all about to flow out of the causes I put forth in the universe.

So the next steps become about trusting my desire, letting it take it's proper place in a balanced life.
I tend to get stuck about owning what I want. Fear of judgement, rejection, and abandonment, seep into the process.

I want to learn to trust myself at this level but it's weird, because I tend to be hedonistic, so I'm capable of wanting things that seem out of bounds to people. The work for me is letting go of that fear of judgement.

Self acceptance and healthy independence from trying to manage people's expectations.

This is actually the fun part...

The other parts are feeling loss over my ex, sadness and some loneliness. Feeling some sense of drift on life's purpose. Fear about digging out the deep pieces inside me that need sunlight and healing.

I choose to be vulnerable and cracked open! This is fraught with tension, but provides the path...
For authenticity flows from self knowledge and self trust.

I'm a good man I think I'm up to it.

Divorce papers

So much like many things in life, a chapter is closing. The embers of a long 23 year love affair, are barely glowing under the pile of ashes. The smallest hint of warmth still glowing from the surrounding rocks and the earthen base on which the fire was built.

Here I enter into this new contract this dissolution. Funny how at the beginning, the paperwork reflects the deep desires of the heart, but here and now the paperwork cannot reflect what is still living in the heart. Strangely, love does not die in this man. Although the life is not what it was, there are no remnants of passion's hot desire, no unseen pull of my lovers heart from across the globe calling me home. There is the Safehaven which I constructed for her that will always remain. A human place where no sin and no anger no judgment or condemnation can push her from my heart. A spot where compassion lives on. A place where a selfless joy and hope always will remain. Here in this heart, not far from the spot where my high school sweetheart also has an eternal shrine, there is a sacred inviolable space.

Yearly holidays will come and she will be remembered fondly. Quiet prayers for her health safety and well-being will be spoken. Memories of past places we visited, erotic escapades that raised the roof, and the quiet sanctuaries, where two hearts found solace in each other.

But in the now and forever after, the happily ever after of this life, freedom will remain. Two signatures will close the deal on the legal ramifications, but pen ink can never blot out the history born of blood and the passionate fury of true love.

A legal entity will fade away like a ghost in the machine, but two human hearts will remain indelibly marked. Much the better for having found each other in this time in this world.

And so begins the letting go....

http://youtu.be/thdSORQn0eY

So Begins the Task
Stephen Stills and Manasas


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fearlessly

In my world of spirit heart
Trust is stronger than lust.

As I reveal myself to you there is no barrier to truth.

A man with a human heart
Flawed though it may be.

Fearlessly....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Kiss me if you dare

It's late, the marsh is mostly silent in the moon glow. Bits of bird songs trickle through the cool night air.
My camera is useless it is so dark, but my eyes can see every detail in the moonlight.

Bahia you soothe my insides. Calm, wonder, as I marvel at the night sky. Smaller and smaller I become, as I contemplate the vastness of the stars.

Until eventually, I'm dizzy with oneness... Spinning on the interconnectedness wheel around the sun. Temporarily sitting at station Luna. Gawking at the bright glowing orb of feminine mystery beaming love from the heavens.

All around me an exquisite symphony of silence. Alone here, even the comic book in my brain is willing to shut off in reverence to this moment.

Spinning slowly in the night, a heart full of gratitude and a soul full of love.

Kiss me.... If you dare...
But say nothing to wake the night.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Flower of Love

Sweet, I blame you not, for mine the fault was, had I not been made of common
clay
I had climbed the higher heights unclimbed yet, seen the fuller air, the
larger day.

From the wildness of my wasted passion I had struck a better, clearer song,
Lit some lighter light of freer freedom, battled with some Hydra-headed wrong.

Had my lips been smitten into music by the kisses that but made them bleed,
You had walked with Bice and the angels on that verdant and enamelled meed.

I had trod the road which Dante treading saw the suns of seven circles shine,
Ay! perchance had seen the heavens opening, as they opened to the Florentine.

And the mighty nations would have crowned me, who am crownless now and without
name,
And some orient dawn had found me kneeling on the threshold of the House of
Fame.

I had sat within that marble circle where the oldest bard is as the young,
And the pipe is ever dropping honey, and the lyre's strings are ever strung.

Keats had lifted up his hymeneal curls from out the poppy-seeded wine,
With ambrosial mouth had kissed my forehead, clasped the hand of noble love in
mine.

And at springtide, when the apple-blossoms brush the burnished bosom of the
dove,
Two young lovers lying in an orchard would have read the story of our love;

Would have read the legend of my passion, known the bitter secret of my heart,
Kissed as we have kissed, but never parted as we two are fated now to part.

For the crimson flower of our life is eaten by the cankerworm of truth,
And no hand can gather up the fallen withered petals of the rose of youth.

Yet I am not sorry that I loved you -ah! what else had I a boy to do? -
For the hungry teeth of time devour, and the silent-footed years pursue.

Rudderless, we drift athwart a tempest, and when once the storm of youth is
past,
Without lyre, without lute or chorus, Death the silent pilot comes at last.

And within the grave there is no pleasure, for the blindworm battens on the
root,
And Desire shudders into ashes, and the tree of Passion bears no fruit.

Ah! what else had I to do but love you? God's own mother was less dear to me,
And less dear the Cytheraean rising like an argent lily from the sea.

I have made my choice, have lived my poems, and, though youth is gone in
wasted days,
I have found the lover's crown of myrtle better than the poet's crown of bays.
Oscar Wilde

Settling down inside

My awareness is gradually shifting from a kind of fight or flight panic about sex and relationships, and where my next hit of affection is coming from.

Now there is a calming sense of establishing a routine of self care, coupled with the idea that I can redefine myself overall.

The first stage of that is really examining my priorities, desires, and talents. Then from that inventory, shaping a path for the next phase of my life.

Does a full inventory and examination of purpose take long?
What will be the employment landscape?
Does music really mean as much to me now as it has in the past?
I haven't written any new songs in a long time, what's that about?

Ah.... One breath at a time...
Love myself first...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Renewal

At the point on my walk I began to understand the core of this struggle. It started with an internal question," who's gonna want me ( value ) me?"

The endorphins chimed in, who the fuck cares as long as you value yourself! Simple, it was as if a cloud opened and revealed the sun.

So begins this journey at 51. The path before me, the forks I take, I owe those choices to no one. I walk alone, and I go where the scent of adventure takes me.

I have a feeling there are going to be others out there on this trail... Maybe they know some good jokes. I'm gonna learn a few and have some fun!

Cooking classes sound strangely fun.
😎



Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone